Awful Woodworking Joke...
The members of the wood club were all getting on in years. At the annual Christmas dinner, there were now more widows than woodworkers. And the old guys left could hardly remember anything. Just before he stood up to make his address, the president had an idea. He and his wife had been in a furniture store earlier in the day and he had seen an unusual wood species, but he couldn’t quite recall what it was. He turned to the treasurer.
“What do you call those fancy red flowers that fellers give to girls?” he asked. “Um… roses?”
“Yes, that’s it!” Then he looked over at his wife. “Rose, remember that store we were in today?”
“What do you call those fancy red flowers that fellers give to girls?” he asked. “Um… roses?”
“Yes, that’s it!” Then he looked over at his wife. “Rose, remember that store we were in today?”
A Wood Carvers Poem
I Saw This Piece Of Wood One Day
When I Picked It Up It Seemed To Say
There’s Something Hiding Inside Of Me
Remove Some Chips And You Will See
I Looked To See What I Might Find
And Soon An Image Came To Mind
My Task Was Now To Set It Free
What’s Hidden In This Piece Of Tree
With Loving Care Each Cut Was Made
Wood Peeled Off With A Sharp Edged Blade
And As Each Chip Fell To The Floor
I Could See The Object More And More
By One Final Cut It Was Set Free
My Work Of Art For All To See
This Piece Of Wood Which Would Just Lay
And See It’s Body Soon Decay
Was Now Transformed And Given Life
With Careful Cuts Of Gouge And Knife
By Carving Something From This Tree
It Lives Again Because Of Me
By Gnomes Hollow Wood Working
THE WOODCARVER
This is the story of a woodcarver who lived in a house in a forest with a rabbit and a housemaid.
Among the duties of the housemaid was to dress the rabbit each morning as he was unable to dress himself.
One day, after they had had their breakfast and the rabbit was dressed, the rabbit and the woodcarver went out into the forest to find wood that would be suitable for carving. They soon found what they agreed was a wonderful piece of wood just perfect for a wood sculpture.
Unfortunately, they couldn't agree on what to carve. The
woodcarver wanted to carve a mother sheep feeding her lambs. The rabbit wanted to see the piece become a wooden Dutch shoe. Finally, they agreed to let the housemaid decide, so they went back to the cottage and explained their problem.
The housemaid decided to flip a coin: Heads would mean that the woodcarver would carve the sheep, tails would mean that the shoe would win. You can imagine the suspense when she flicked up the coin, caught it and peeked. . ..
Wood ewe or wooden shoe? Only the haredresser knew for sure.
Among the duties of the housemaid was to dress the rabbit each morning as he was unable to dress himself.
One day, after they had had their breakfast and the rabbit was dressed, the rabbit and the woodcarver went out into the forest to find wood that would be suitable for carving. They soon found what they agreed was a wonderful piece of wood just perfect for a wood sculpture.
Unfortunately, they couldn't agree on what to carve. The
woodcarver wanted to carve a mother sheep feeding her lambs. The rabbit wanted to see the piece become a wooden Dutch shoe. Finally, they agreed to let the housemaid decide, so they went back to the cottage and explained their problem.
The housemaid decided to flip a coin: Heads would mean that the woodcarver would carve the sheep, tails would mean that the shoe would win. You can imagine the suspense when she flicked up the coin, caught it and peeked. . ..
Wood ewe or wooden shoe? Only the haredresser knew for sure.
It's an old joke.
Man asks: 'How to I get to Somewhere?'
Other man replies: 'If I were, you, I
wouldn't start from here...'
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VERY RARE!===================================================================
http://www.gocomics.com/pickles#.UnbxGlMliRN
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“Every oak tree started out as a couple of nuts
who stood their ground. - Anonymous”
“Whittling”
The Yankee boy, before he’s sent to school,
Well knows the mysteries of that magic tool,
The pocket-knife. To that his wistful eye
Turns, while he hears his mother’s lullaby;
Well knows the mysteries of that magic tool,
The pocket-knife. To that his wistful eye
Turns, while he hears his mother’s lullaby;
His hoarded cents he gladly gives to get it,
Then leaves no stone unturned till he can whet it;
And in the education of the lad
No little part that implement hath had.
His pocket-knife to the young whittler brings
A growing knowledge of material things.
Then leaves no stone unturned till he can whet it;
And in the education of the lad
No little part that implement hath had.
His pocket-knife to the young whittler brings
A growing knowledge of material things.
Projectiles, music, and the sculptor’s art,
His chestnut whistle and his shingle dart,
His elder pop-gun with its hickory rod,
Its sharp explosion and rebounding wad,
His corn-stalk fiddle, and the deeper tone
That murmurs from his pumpkin-stalk trombone,
Conspire to teach the boy. To these succeed
His bow, his arrow of a feathered reed,
His wind-mill, raised the passing breeze to win,
His water-wheel, that turns upon a pin;
Or, if his father lives upon the shore,
You’ll see his ship, “beam ends upon the floor,”
Full rigged, with raking masts, and timbers stanch,
And waiting, near the wash-tub, for a launch.
His chestnut whistle and his shingle dart,
His elder pop-gun with its hickory rod,
Its sharp explosion and rebounding wad,
His corn-stalk fiddle, and the deeper tone
That murmurs from his pumpkin-stalk trombone,
Conspire to teach the boy. To these succeed
His bow, his arrow of a feathered reed,
His wind-mill, raised the passing breeze to win,
His water-wheel, that turns upon a pin;
Or, if his father lives upon the shore,
You’ll see his ship, “beam ends upon the floor,”
Full rigged, with raking masts, and timbers stanch,
And waiting, near the wash-tub, for a launch.
Thus, by his genius and his jack-knife driven,
Ere long he’ll solve you any problem given;
Make any jim-crack, musical or mute,
A plow, a couch, an organ, or a flute;
Make you a locomotive or a clock,
Cut a canal, or build a floating-dock,
Or lead forth Beauty from a marble block—
Make any thing, in short, for sea or shore,
From a child’s rattle to a seventy-four;—
Make it, said I?—ay! when he undertakes it,
He’ll make the thing and the machine that makes it.
Ere long he’ll solve you any problem given;
Make any jim-crack, musical or mute,
A plow, a couch, an organ, or a flute;
Make you a locomotive or a clock,
Cut a canal, or build a floating-dock,
Or lead forth Beauty from a marble block—
Make any thing, in short, for sea or shore,
From a child’s rattle to a seventy-four;—
Make it, said I?—ay! when he undertakes it,
He’ll make the thing and the machine that makes it.
And when the thing is made—whether it be
To move on earth, in air, or on the sea;
Whether on water, o’er the waves to glide,
Or, upon land to roll, revolve, or slide;
Whether to whirl or jar, to strike or ring,
Whether it be a piston or a spring,
Wheel, pulley, tube sonorous, wood or brass,
The thing designed shall surely come to pass;
For, when his hand’s upon it, you may know
That there’s go in it, and he’ll make it go.
To move on earth, in air, or on the sea;
Whether on water, o’er the waves to glide,
Or, upon land to roll, revolve, or slide;
Whether to whirl or jar, to strike or ring,
Whether it be a piston or a spring,
Wheel, pulley, tube sonorous, wood or brass,
The thing designed shall surely come to pass;
For, when his hand’s upon it, you may know
That there’s go in it, and he’ll make it go.
“Whittling” by John Pierpont
THE WOODCARVER
Khing, the master carver, made a bell stand
Of precious wood. When it was finished,
All who saw it were astounded. They said it must be
The work of spirits.
The Prince of Lu said to the master carver:
"What is your secret?"
Khing replied: "I am only a workman:
I have no secret. There is only this:
When I began to think about the work you commanded
I guarded my spirit, did not expend it
On trifles, that were not to the point.
I fasted in order to set
My heart at rest.
After three days fasting,
I had forgotten gain and success.
After five days
I had forgotten praise or criticism.
After seven days
I had forgotten my body
With all its limbs.
"By this time all thought of your Highness
And of the court had faded away.
All that might distract me from the work
Had vanished.
I was collected in the single thought
Of the bell stand.
"Then I went to the forest
To see the trees in their own natural state.
When the right tree appeared before my eyes,
The bell stand also appeared in it, clearly, beyond doubt.
All I had to do was to put forth my hand
and begin.
"If I had not met this particular tree
There would have been
No bell stand at all.
"What happened?
My own collected thought
Encountered the hidden potential in the wood;
From this live encounter came the work
Which you ascribe to the spirits."
- Chuang Tzufrom The Way of Chuang Tzu by Thomas Merton
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Luigi, a perpetual bachelor, owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing businesses in Miami , a furniture manufacturing shop. Friends convinced him that he needed to take a trip to Italy to check out the latest trends there, and maybe he could meet an available young Italian woman at the same time.
As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. She only spoke Italian and he only spoke English--neither understood a word the other spoke. So he took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded. So they went to dinner.
After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
He was dumbfounded. To this day he says that he's never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture manufacturing business.
A Termite walked into a pub and asked,
"Where's the bar tender?
PAT AND MIKE: NEW IMMIGRANTS IN PHILADELPHIA
Pat and Mike came over to America on the boat together.
On the day they arrived in Philadelphia they found a room and that night they vowed to find jobs the next day.
On the evening of the next day they compared notes.
Pat: "So, Michael, did ya find any work?
Mike: "Nay, nodda bit, Paddy. And you?"
Pat: "Aye. Found work in a tool factory. Don't ya know, they works to a thousandths of an inch!"
Mike: "A thousandths of an inch!!"
Mike ponders this for a moment and then asks:
"Paddy, how many thousandths are there in an inch?"
Pat: "Sure, Michael, and I don't know. From the looks, there must be millions of them!"
Pat and Mike came over to America on the boat together.
On the day they arrived in Philadelphia they found a room and that night they vowed to find jobs the next day.
On the evening of the next day they compared notes.
Pat: "So, Michael, did ya find any work?
Mike: "Nay, nodda bit, Paddy. And you?"
Pat: "Aye. Found work in a tool factory. Don't ya know, they works to a thousandths of an inch!"
Mike: "A thousandths of an inch!!"
Mike ponders this for a moment and then asks:
"Paddy, how many thousandths are there in an inch?"
Pat: "Sure, Michael, and I don't know. From the looks, there must be millions of them!"
LUMBER PURCHASE
Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and says, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk replies, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The guy scratches his head and says, "I'll go check," and goes back to the truck.
He returns and says, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The guy pauses for a minute and says, "I better go check." After a while, he returns to the office and says, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
THE WOODCARVER
This is the story of a woodcarver who lived in a house in a forest with a rabbit and a housemaid.
Among the duties of the housemaid was to dress the rabbit each morning as he was unable to dress himself.
One day, after they had had their breakfast and the rabbit was dressed, the rabbit and the woodcarver went out into the forest to find wood that would be suitable for carving. They soon found what they agreed was a wonderful piece of wood just perfect for a wood sculpture.
Unfortunately, they couldn't agree on what to carve. The
woodcarver wanted to carve a mother sheep feeding her lambs. The rabbit wanted to see the piece become a wooden Dutch shoe. Finally, they agreed to let the housemaid decide, so they went back to the cottage and explained their problem.
The housemaid decided to flip a coin: Heads would mean that the woodcarver would carve the sheep,tails would mean that the shoe would win. You can imagine the suspense when she flicked up the coin, caught it and peeked. . ..
Wood ewe or wooden shoe? Only the haredresser knew for sure.
“Whittling”
The Yankee boy, before he’s sent to school,
Well knows the mysteries of that magic tool,
The pocket-knife. To that his wistful eye
Turns, while he hears his mother’s lullaby;
Well knows the mysteries of that magic tool,
The pocket-knife. To that his wistful eye
Turns, while he hears his mother’s lullaby;
His hoarded cents he gladly gives to get it,
Then leaves no stone unturned till he can whet it;
And in the education of the lad
No little part that implement hath had.
His pocket-knife to the young whittler brings
A growing knowledge of material things.
Then leaves no stone unturned till he can whet it;
And in the education of the lad
No little part that implement hath had.
His pocket-knife to the young whittler brings
A growing knowledge of material things.
Projectiles, music, and the sculptor’s art,
His chestnut whistle and his shingle dart,
His elder pop-gun with its hickory rod,
Its sharp explosion and rebounding wad,
His corn-stalk fiddle, and the deeper tone
That murmurs from his pumpkin-stalk trombone,
Conspire to teach the boy. To these succeed
His bow, his arrow of a feathered reed,
His wind-mill, raised the passing breeze to win,
His water-wheel, that turns upon a pin;
Or, if his father lives upon the shore,
You’ll see his ship, “beam ends upon the floor,”
Full rigged, with raking masts, and timbers stanch,
And waiting, near the wash-tub, for a launch.
His chestnut whistle and his shingle dart,
His elder pop-gun with its hickory rod,
Its sharp explosion and rebounding wad,
His corn-stalk fiddle, and the deeper tone
That murmurs from his pumpkin-stalk trombone,
Conspire to teach the boy. To these succeed
His bow, his arrow of a feathered reed,
His wind-mill, raised the passing breeze to win,
His water-wheel, that turns upon a pin;
Or, if his father lives upon the shore,
You’ll see his ship, “beam ends upon the floor,”
Full rigged, with raking masts, and timbers stanch,
And waiting, near the wash-tub, for a launch.
Thus, by his genius and his jack-knife driven,
Ere long he’ll solve you any problem given;
Make any jim-crack, musical or mute,
A plow, a couch, an organ, or a flute;
Make you a locomotive or a clock,
Cut a canal, or build a floating-dock,
Or lead forth Beauty from a marble block—
Make any thing, in short, for sea or shore,
From a child’s rattle to a seventy-four;—
Make it, said I?—ay! when he undertakes it,
He’ll make the thing and the machine that makes it.
Ere long he’ll solve you any problem given;
Make any jim-crack, musical or mute,
A plow, a couch, an organ, or a flute;
Make you a locomotive or a clock,
Cut a canal, or build a floating-dock,
Or lead forth Beauty from a marble block—
Make any thing, in short, for sea or shore,
From a child’s rattle to a seventy-four;—
Make it, said I?—ay! when he undertakes it,
He’ll make the thing and the machine that makes it.
And when the thing is made—whether it be
To move on earth, in air, or on the sea;
Whether on water, o’er the waves to glide,
Or, upon land to roll, revolve, or slide;
Whether to whirl or jar, to strike or ring,
Whether it be a piston or a spring,
Wheel, pulley, tube sonorous, wood or brass,
The thing designed shall surely come to pass;
For, when his hand’s upon it, you may know
That there’s go in it, and he’ll make it go.
To move on earth, in air, or on the sea;
Whether on water, o’er the waves to glide,
Or, upon land to roll, revolve, or slide;
Whether to whirl or jar, to strike or ring,
Whether it be a piston or a spring,
Wheel, pulley, tube sonorous, wood or brass,
The thing designed shall surely come to pass;
For, when his hand’s upon it, you may know
That there’s go in it, and he’ll make it go.
“Whittling” by John Pierpont
Trees
by Harry BehnTrees are the kindest things I know,
They do no harm, they simply grow
And spread a shade for sleepy cows,
And gather birds among their bows.
They give us fruit in leaves above,
And wood to make our houses of,
And leaves to burn on Halloween
And in the Spring new buds of green.
They are first when day's begun
To tough the beams of morning sun,
They are the last to hold the light
When evening changes into night.
And when a moon floats on the sky
They hum a drowsy lullaby
Of sleepy children long ago...
Trees are the kindest things I know.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Choosing the Proper Tool: Small Knife
RIGHT
WRONG
THE SAHARA FOREST
A Canadian logging company needed to hire another lumberjack, the first guy to apply was a short little skinny fellow, who was laughed at by the manager and told to leave.
"Just give me a chance," the little guy pleaded.
"Okay," the manager replied, "Grab your axe and cut down that cedar over there."
Two minutes later he was back at the managers office, "Tree's cut. Do I get the job?"
"I don't beleive it, that is so much faster than even my best lumberjack could have done it. Where did you learn to use an axe like that?" the manager inquired.
"Sahara Forest," the little guy replied.
"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert," the manager corrected him.
"Sure, that's what they call it now."
LUMBER PURCHASE
Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and says, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk replies, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The guy scratches his head and says, "I'll go check," and goes back to the truck.
He returns and says, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The guy pauses for a minute and says, "I better go check." After a while, he returns to the office and says, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
Think Like a Tree
by Karen I. Shragg
Soak up the sun
Affirm life's magic
Be graceful in the wind
Stand tall after a storm
Feel refreshed after it rains
Grow strong without notice
Be prepared for each season
Provide shelter to strangers
Hang tough through a cold spell
Emerge renewed at the first signs of spring
Stay deeply rooted while reaching for the sky
Be still long enough to
hear your own leaves rustling.
Affirm life's magic
Be graceful in the wind
Stand tall after a storm
Feel refreshed after it rains
Grow strong without notice
Be prepared for each season
Provide shelter to strangers
Hang tough through a cold spell
Emerge renewed at the first signs of spring
Stay deeply rooted while reaching for the sky
Be still long enough to
hear your own leaves rustling.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
“The century of magnificent awareness preceding the Civil War was the age of wood. Wood was not accepted simply as the material for building a new nation - it was inspiration. Gentle to touch, exquisite to contemplate, tractable in creative hands, stronger by weight than iron, wood was, as William Penn had said, 'a substance with a soul.' It spanned rivers for man; it built his home and heated it in the winter; man walked on wood, slept in it, sat on wooden chairs at wooden tables, drank and ate the fruits of trees from wooden cups and dishes. From cradle of wood to coffin of wood, the life of man was encircled by it.”
Eric Sloane
A Reverence for Wood
Eric Sloane
A Reverence for Wood
(submitted by http://www.whiteeaglestudios.com/index.html)
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Important Disclosure: Wood carving and whittling may be habit forming and could prevent you from engaging in household chores and other unpleasant tasks. Carving is enjoyable and you may be prone to sharing it with others; thus, causing them to experience the same distractions from less pleasant tasks as you may experience yourself.Carve at your own risk.
============
TREES by Joyce Kilmer (1886-1918)
I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.
A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the earth's sweet flowing breast;
A tree that looks at God all day,
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;
A tree that may in Summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;
Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.
Poems are made by people like me,
But only God can make a tree.
A poem lovely as a tree.
A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the earth's sweet flowing breast;
A tree that looks at God all day,
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;
A tree that may in Summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;
Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.
Poems are made by people like me,
But only God can make a tree.
